Jeans are the McDonald’s of fashion: ubiquitous, American and available in a variety of sizes. Ever since Levi Strauss first put rivets on denim, blue jeans have steadily taken over the world’s wardrobe: a fashion trend putting all others – hoop skirts, Elizabethan collars, airbrushed wolf sweatshirts – to shame.But, as crazy as it sounds, blue jeans are not appropriate everywhere. I know it’s hard to believe. But below are 5 times not to wear jeans. Some have caveats, others do not – though I suppose the rationale “because you look like a moron” isn’t dissuading to all.
On Trial for Murder
A good criminal defense attorney refines his client’s image. This is often done via haircuts, new suits and the spackling of meth mouth. Jeans, however, are not part of this makeover. Denim may not scream “guilty!” but it does suggest a one-way ride on Old Sparky isn’t scaring you in the least.
Attending a Wedding
Unless you are in Alabama (or the band Alabama), jeans have no place in a nuptial celebration. There are people who feel denim is appropriate and impossible to overdo – but these people generally also think midnight head shavings are de rigueur.
Playing at Wimbledon
Can you imagine Serena Williams trying to hit volleys in a pair of skinny jeans? Probably not (nor should you want to). Besides restricting movement and inspiring buckets of perspiration, denim’s splitting potential is off-the-charts. The last thing you want is the line judge looking at your back court.
Having a baby is tough enough, but having a baby while wearing a pair of jeans? We’re talking water-into-wine-level tough here. Between snotty nurses and annoying, video camera-wielding husbands, the last thing anyone wants is to be messing with a button fly during the big push.
Jeans are a 20th century fashion; the surest way to out yourself to fellow time travelers is to sport the wrong duds. Now pantaloons might not be your idea of Prêt à Porter, but if you want to avoid the Terminators, you’ll just need to suck it up.
Katie Fetting-Schlerf is a freelance writer from Seattle who wears jeans (www.luckybrand.com) every day. After losing Wimbledon, she was convicted of capital murder – neither of which would have happened if she’d just ditched the denim. Learn from her mistakes.